Fixing Broken Relationships

This is a derivative of my recent post on how to create a bad marriage. As I shared, my counseling practice has been very heavy on breaking and broken marriages. The hurt and pain involved is awful. It makes me sad to see it. And any married person knows there are constant struggles. Marriage is like driving a car on the side of a mountain. It seems we frequently look out the window and say, "wow I am pretty close to a really bad crash!" It helps to keep the eye on the road and stay focused, but even so there are moments which are a close call.

In addition, any relationship can suffer the strains of damage and destruction. One huge contributor is the fit. There are a variety of ways that people are "wired" and, in my experience, sometimes people just don't line up. Some of it may be our faults, but some of it is really out of our control. We have different wants and needs, different styles of being, different ways of communicating, different values. Conflicts are more common when the fit is not good, because a bad fit takes lots of work and it is easy to transgress. Thata is harder to fix. But there is some hope!

So how then to reconcile? I call it "The Second List Solution." That should be the title of the book I am not writing (but you can get this trimmed down version for free!). In troubled (and not so troubled) relationships everyone has The List. Some are more aware and conscious of it. Others call it up without realizing what they do. It is related to #4 on my list. It is titled "His/Her faults."

In conflict we all have that list of accusations. Individuals have it. Groups have it. Nations have it. It is a collection of all the slights, sins, mistakes, errors, screw-ups, intentional or not, that the other person has done. Every world conflict is rife with The List of Accusations. The Jews and Arabs in the Middle East have one. The Catholics and Protestants in Ireland do, too. The Christians and Muslims have them in many places, as do Muslims and Hindus in India/Pakistan. Democrats and Republicans have them, and Conservatives and Liberals. Believers and Unbelievers have them. And any person in a troubled relationship has one.

The accusations follow a simple form:
YOU did this, and it was bad.
You did that, and it was bad.
You did this, and that, and that, and this, and this and this and this.
Usually the list is full of this's and thats which we have explained should not happen.
I told you not to and you still did it.
I asked you to please stop and you didn't.

Now some of our accusations are inaccurate, unfair and do not belong.
However, in general, most are legitimate and some are are downright grievous.
Humans can and do awful, terrible things. And everyone may be guilty, but some are more guilty than others.

But the list of accusations can never really bridge the gap. The Accuser may be right about every single accusation, but accusing alone will not work. It takes "The Other List" to end conflict and provide the opportunity for peace. And what you ask is the other list?

Confessions.
Until we face our own mistakes, missteps, errors, unkindness, sins, selfishness and evil there can be no reconiliation.
Until we admit what we  have done wrong and really reflect on how we have harmed the other, there is no hope.
Until we can face the damage we have done, and not minimize it or ignore it, all we do is blame.
Until we ponder on the hurt we cause, and care deeply for the wounds we have inflicted, are inflicting and will continue to inflict--- well until we love and care about someone else the way we love, care and tune into our own selves---until empathy and compassion take root; there is no hope to move on.

Confession is out of vogue except among alcoholics in a particular treatment process. Protestants reject the idea. Catholics have it as a sacrament but only a small percentage actually do it. People say, "I can go to God myself" but are not skilled in a true examination of conscience. Face it, we don't want to see it and it is really hard work to look and find it in ourselves. Besided, the list of accusation keeps us plenty busy already. Who has time to admit to being a perpetrator when we are focused on being a victim?

Accusations are easy to create.
Confession and true sorrow and actual repentance is tough. It is hard work, and it hurts and it goes against our natural inclinations.

We feel our pain, but we do not feel the pain we cause. It is easy, therefore, to focus on our pain and be oblivious to the wounds we create.

But in counseling, the people who focus on their own list of mistakes, who acknowledge what "I" am doing wrong and asking for help to change, those are the ones who save, rebuild and prosper in relationships.

The problem is always "you"; but it is also always "Me." and Me is the only one I control.
Here is what I did wrong, Here is the harm I have done. Here is what I contributed to make the mess.
I did wrong, I hurt you, and I am sorry....
That is the list which makes reconciliation possible, but it takes two. Otherwise one side's confessions just become an addendum to the other side's accusations. Perhaps that is why we are reluctant.

Anyhow, it is certainly why we need a Savior. We can't be sorry for sins which we are blind to. And I am blind and so are you. I pray a Spirit of Reconciliation and peace upon our nations and each person within them. I hope this is of help!