Five Keys to an Unhappy Marriage

This is based on some reflections I shared with the young couple who married each other last weekend. The setting was outdoors and many of the guests were under twenty-five (statistically a group in which 15%attend church; though a bit higher in the South). Not an ideal place to do an extensive exegetical homily or a sermon filled with complex ideas and subtle arguments.

I am a priest-pastor and do an extraordinary amount of counseling compared to most priests I know. I see many couples, most of which are in dire circumstances. In many cases, the 'marriage therapy' is too little, too late. By the time they get to talking with me at least one, if not both, of them has decided that they are through. As such, I am probably not an expert on a good marriage. I am, however, very familar with bad marriages.

Statistics say one half of marriages fail. I have heard that self-identified Christians might have a slighter higher rate than the average. As bleak as that sounds, there is some better news if you investigate more deeply. The success rate of a first marriage is higher than 50%. People in second and third marriages tend to have higher divorce rates. So the overall rate is bloated by multiple marriages. In addition, when the researcher unpacks the word "Christian" they find nominal Christians have a higher rate than dedicated ones. That was some consolation. My "advice" (which is offered tongue in cheek) is based on my expertise working with failing marriages.

One upside of a bad marriage is when your spouse dies instead of experiencing searing pain and deep loss, there is a sense of relief. It is a mourning preventative.

There are many ways to create a bad marriage. My list is not exhaustive nor is it intended to be. However, based on these five things you can be assured that your marriage is on the way to the trash heap.

#1 Keep God out of the picture. No Jesus in your life keeps the focus on you. Do not pray together, do not read Scripture and never talk about your relationship with the Creator. Being worshippers makes us humble, being obedient makes us selfless, and making the Lord the center of our life means we move ourselves to the periphery. Faith and repentance change our hearts. Those things are deadly for a bad marriage. The key is making marriage about "us" and then quickly defining "us" in terms of "me." The Lord's revelation and the church's teaching on marriage are not tailored to my personal wants and desires. With that in mind, avoid church, those places are notorious for emphasizing our duties to God and our fellow humans. Keep the focus on "me, me, me" and keep God out of  the picture.

#2 Never Apologize. Never. Especially if you are wrong. Apologies lead to reconciliation, a grave danger to a bad marriage. Assume you are right. If you are not sure argue louder. Never underestimate how refusing to admit you are wrong, even about little things, can suck the life out of your partner. Related to not apologizing is the third principle.

#3 Never forgive. Forgiveness is the gateway to apologies. Carry a grudge and mull over every single injury. You deserve to be treated like a prince/princess. Your spouse should be at your beck and call and do what you want, when you want, the way you want. Any failure should be pondered and remembered. And the more sincere the apology, the more strongly you must state "no forgiveness." As an extra bonus, tell your spouse that their motives for apologizing are suspect and the sincerity of their apology is questionable. And the final flourish is the reminder, "I don't want apologies, I want you to stop messing up!!!"

#4 No one is perfect (except you) and being married provides multiple opportunities to discover faults and failings in your spouse. Pay attention. Take note. Work hard to memorize every single flaw and identify anything in which your spouse is lacking. Having committed the list to memory, articulate those things on a regular basis. It is best to point out mistakes in public. Every spouse loves to be interrupted and corrected, preferably two or three times in the midst of a story. And make sure you make corrections on minor details. "No, not Tuesday morning, Wednesday morning." "It isn't thirty minutes away, it is more like twenty-five." "That wasn't five years ago, it was almost six." You get the picture. Betray your spouses confidence by publicly displaying their flaws and weaknesses. And one last thing, a flaw includes anything about which you differ. Personal preferences can easily be reframed as moral inadequacies.

#5 Miscommunication, poor communication, no communication and yelling are key. Keep your spouse guessing. If you are mad, never bring it up when they ask "are you okay?" Wait for a couple of days, late at night or five minutes before they are leaving for work and then let them have it. Nothing creates a better environment for an argument than poor timing. If you are upset, give them the silent treatment. When asked, "is somthing wrong" respond with a terse "everything is fine." Build up the tension. Leave out important details and spring stuff on your spouse at the last second. Get mad when s/he comes home at 5:00 and rant and rave that "we are supposed to eat dinner with my parents at 5:30!" when s/he had no idea that this was in the plan. Loud, angry voices are a perfect complement to the brooding silent treatment. Escalating into saying the worst possible things you can always makes for a bad marriage!

Now, each marriage has its own special features, each person has their own special needs and all of us can find inventive ways to make our own relationships hell on earth. But these five are the regular components of every bad marriage I have dealt with. In marriage counseling, no one comes to me to confess their own sins and failings; it is always about blame. "I am not perfect," followed by "but s/he....." is the beginning of the blame game. In the end, counseling is based on what your spouse needs to change. Your job is to cling to unforgiveness, and, of course, never apologizing, never listening, never showing affection, and keeping God far away and your own wants and desires front and center. Good marriages are hard work, bad marriages  come more easily. In fact, many of the major components of a bad marriage come quite naturally with little effort. It is a goal which is easy to attain and the consequences create not only personal misery but hurt and pain to a wide range of other people.