Empathy, Kindness and the Cross

I know that writing on topics related to homosexuality peaks interest. Over the two years, my readership is usually 50% higher whenever I touch that subject. Until yesterday, my most popular writing had been about the impossibility to be an "up-to-date" church. It was passed around in many circles and I still think it is the most important thing I have said to my church. http://jeffmarx.blogspot.com/2011/04/biggest-problem-with-contemprorary.html Yesterday 350+ people read my blog, about three times the normal "great day." There is interest in this....

My biggest concern with the Chick-fil-A controversy is how Christians react. Note I say, react not respond. Yesterday I wrote about the general acceptance of divorce and remarriage among Christians, even conservative ones. I briefly mentioned a few reasons why. Today I want to add another. Most of us can imagine ourselves getting divorced (and many of us are). I counsel a lot and marriage dissolution is terribly painful. People do not enjoy it. They are not proud of it. It was not a goal when they got married. We can connect with their pain because we know our own relationships are rocky. Most all married folk have had a time (probably many times) when packing the bags and heading out seemed the only possible solution. So we see divorced people with empathy.

On the other hand, in the general population, the overwhelming majority cannot imagine themselves in a same-sex relationship. We cannot even imagine how it would be possible. Why would someone feel such feelings? It is also repulsive to some people. Seeing two men kiss creates a reaction in many folks. It is not because of hatred either. (Though that reaction may be a seedbed for hatred) As I see it, in this culture war here is the turning point.

Roughly 1 or 2 in 100 people identify as homosexual. Apparently, another group of the same size has had experiences of same sex behavior. In some social setting, for example incarcerated groups, it appears that number can climb to 1 in 10. So we know a small percent of the population has these desires or is willing to act in this way.

Most (it seems) of these people accept their situation. Many embrace it and, in recent days, embrace it loudly and boldly. Most of them have had some, perhaps numerous, experiences of mistreatment (verbally and even physically). Seeing someone get beat up (figuratively or literally) is hard for most of us. It triggers an emotional reaction. We want the abuse to stop. So a chunk of our society views homosexuals to be a persecuted minority in need of acceptance and support. They have decided that anyone who is not on board with this is full of hate and prejudice. They can then  pick from the multitude of examples of this hate and prejudice provided by all manner of people. Let's be honest, much of that is also found among Christians. (Who, like all people, are shaped as much by their personal culture and personality as they are the Bible.) Advocating for homosexual rights morphs in some cases into an aggressive form of advocacy, often accompanied by threats. It is the nature of revolutions. After you overthrow the oppressors in the name of justice the 'new idea' people usually engage in the same type of oppressive behaviors when they come into power. In simplest form, the advocates for homosexual people who were denied jobs because of their proclivities now deny jobs to people who are not in agreement with them. This has begun to happen all over the western world and is accelerating.

In reaction to that threat, anger and combativeness increase among the traditional folks. Already incapable of empathy for homosexuals and their supporters, they consider them a threat to their own livelihood. (And that is not an exaggeration. In the Epsicopal Church people like me cannot be hired in many dioceses. I have read about numerous people who lost jobs when they said things like "I am a Catholic (or I believe the Bible rejects it) because they do not believe in gay marriage.

Because there is not much empathy (among same sex proponents) for the traditional believer, it is assumed that people who think marriage is for a man and a woman in covenant together are obviously hateful. It is beyond them that someone would think traditionally because the Bible teaches otherwise and people believe the Bible, and Church tradition teaches otherwise and people trust the wisdom of the church, and that all manner of reasonable arguments (like design) support tradtional thinking. I think one question everyone  needs to ponder is this: If the Bible&Church taught homosexuality was blessed would that make you happy or sad? Personally, it would make me happy. I wish it were different. I am not interested in policing people's personal sexuality (except child abuse and rape and that sort of thing). My personal feelings are toward live and let live. However, I also know that some of that is generated by my own awareness of sin in my life. Face it, I have to answer for me and I do not want to judge you. The problem is I have studied for years and I cannot see any way to avoid the conclusion I have come to(it is a sin). On the other hand, how many advocates for same sex marriage can honestly say they do so reluctantly but 'have to" because the Bible/Church teaching forces them to adopt that position? (Dang few, if any)

I believe homosexuals should be allowed to get married. However, the definition of marriage is "one man, one woman in covenant (before God)." In light of that, my belief is homosexuals do not want to get married because they are not interested in that sort of relationship. I understand (deeply) the need and desire for relationship. I can feel empathy for homosexuals (I had my own long and painful struggle with forced celibacy). I can treat them kindly and respectfully. I can also tell them it is wrong to destroy the meaning of the word marriage and redefine it as they see fit. I can also point out that logically once that happens then everyone can redefine marriage as they see fit. And I can say (from personal experience, obervation, and the study of history and social sciences) that all people are broken and all people are inclined to change things to justify their own behaviors. As such I can and should boldly advocate for traditional marriage.

So what about the culture wars on marriage? First of all, as I said on facebook, Jesus tells us to take the log out of our own eye then worry about the speck in someone elses. Second, in a war (which this is, like it or not) there are usually a small number of enthusiasts. The vast majority find themselves forced to decide by the conflict.Some ten years ago I was forced to take a public stand in my church. The cost in emotional pain, isolation and loss has  been substantial. In debates I can be tough. I said a few hurtful things. I heard plenty back. SO I know it is really hard to do this well. We are split on this issue with few avenues for compromise. Trends indicate a growing acceptance. However, trends change over time (see my article on being 'contemporary'). It is just as likely that in fifty years people will be shocked that it was considered as they are shocked it was opposed. And in the end, popular opinion is not "truth." (Most of the supporters of same sex marriage also think premarital sex and living together is okay. Hardly a justification for claiming the Holy Spirit is at work) What I also know is we need to be self aware. We need to understand the rational and emotional motivations which drive us.

We live in a world with a vast variety of beliefs. Can we believe strongly, advocate openly and boldly yet also listen and respect others? Can a liberal allow a conservative a place at the table? Can a conservative provide the same hospitality? Not on every issue, certainly, but are we trying to find a way to live together? The Anglican church is founded on the desire to gather people in common worship. It is better than religious wars and burning folks at the stake. The problem is, we all have our bundle of kindling and matches near at hand. All of us, each in our own way. And dialogue is too frequently a cover for people buying time to get what they want done. I know. I have seen it. This is a dilemma!

My option is to prepare to meet my Maker. I try to live with integrity but try to avoid unneeded confrontation. And once confronted, to fight the good fight but not lose my soul in the process. The measure of a Christian is his/her embrace of the Cross. The Bible defines victory differently: faithful suffering for love of God and our fellow humans. I am on the conservative side of this debate so my criticism is as an insider. Too many conservative Christians think of victory in earthly terms. They see winning the war as vanquishing the enemy and demonizing enemies as the work of faith. We are more than happy to sing the praises of Jesus crucified, but not too interested in joining him. [This is not new, 1200 years ago when Clovis heard preaching on Jesus he said that if he and his warriors were around that would never have happened. Peter was against the idea too in private to the Lord, just before Jesus called him satan!] We want to win, I know I do. And that is the problem. Winning, at all costs, can become an obsession. I do not expect the Liberals to believe this. Secular Liberals have openly rejected the cross of Jesus. Even Liberal Christians have trouble with the orthodox Christian position. So, as I see it, I (we) am at a disadvantage. I am not allowed to fight like they do. But it is only faith which allows me to hold back. My hope is not winning by overwhelming the other, it is waiting on the Lord and being faithful. In Christianity, martyrdom means dying (as opposed to martyrdom as suicide bombing). This has led me to a painful struggle. I really do not long to be a martyr, at least not enthusiastically. I am not naturally inclined to the Cross! Can I have empathy and kindness for those who would do me harm? Not without Jesus (and even with Him only with great difficulty). So support Chick-fil-A, but do it without rancor or speaking evil. And make sure you don't let others get away with saying unkind things either. Remember the cross and remember Jesus' requirement: pick it up and follow Him. Then and only then are you prepared to enter this culture war as a Christian witness. In the end, that is the only victory worth having.