Yesterday I 'blurted out' that I am frustrated with God's failure to transform me. In my mind, the most serious reason for doubting God, is me. Since my childhood I have been somewhat pious and in January 1976 I committed to Christ on a Cursillo weekend. When the "I Found It" movement was strong, I repeatedly got on my knees, did a sinner's prayer and accepted Christ. I attended church, went to confession, repented and did penance. I read my Bible and prayed. I hung out at church and tried to help the poor and needy. Then I went to seminary and really got serious. A normal day in seminary included Morning and Evening Prayer, Holy Eucharist and I spent another hour each day in prayer in the chapel. In addition I went on regular retreats, did a great deal of spiritual reading and hung out with close friends who were also very dedicated in their relationship with the Lord. In spite of all that, I continue to be a person who is often times selfish, sinful and disagreeable. I have wondered to myself 10,000 times, if this is what I produce from all this spiritual work, what is the point?
One response is, "You haven't done enough. You need more discipline. Your efforts are too feeble. Get serious!!!" I have heard it from others and from myself. So there were times when I did turn it up a bit more. The radical expression of faith seen in Francis of Assisi, for example, certainly showed room to do much more. But efforts to "be a saint" all seemed to crash and burn at some point.
The other response I have heard is that the Gospel is about God's grace. Efforts to be holy are a "works righteousness" and no one can be saved who relies on himself. I have read the Bible enough to know that is true, but I never got clear about what that looks like in practice. If I am relying on God's mercy do I become amoral? or merely passive? Is my activity totally unimportant to God? If so, why are Christians making so much noise about social/moral issues? Does Jesus really walk around saying as long as you believe in Me you are fine? What about taking up the cross and dying to self?
Is "dying to self" a gift or a task from Jesus?
For the most part I have answered these questions for myself. Reading the Bible through/with/in the Church Tradition helps. A basic understanding of psychology and human understanding helps. Study and prayer helps. I know that all relationship is a gift. I know that how we understand the word 'saved' impacts how we understand the process of being saved. I know that the American individualist-consumer has a view of the world which has affected the American understanding of faith. I have read enough ancient Christian voices to know that there is a broader and deeper way to engage God's Word. In the end, salvation is gift and task. Dying to self is gift and task. Relationship with God is gift and task.
For that reason I was thrilled to read Chris Tilling's blog Chrisendom today. On Friday, May 20, there was a review of Volker Rabens' doctoral thesis, "The Holy Spirit and Ethics in Paul." In this thesis, Rabens assesses and rejects the popular assumption that the Holy Spirit's work in our lives is best understood as "infusion-transformation." His point is that this approach would think that there is a change in our being (called ontological in philosophical terms). This understanding is that the Holy Spirit is a SOMETHING that enters into us and makes us into someone/something else. [Which is what I thought for many years.] Instead, Rabens argues, using data from Pauls' writings and his contemporary Jewish context, it is about an intensified, intimate relationship with God, Jesus and our faithful neighbors. It is through this that the Spirit transforms and empoers the Believer. He calls this a relational model. [You can check it out here, scroll down to May 20 http://blog.christilling.de/ ] I found this most helpful. It makes sense of the Scripture stories I have studied. It is accurate to my experience. It is reasonable.
So much of the struggle of faith has to do with our (wrong) assumptions, misunderstanding and wishful thinking about how God works in the world. Sometimes we need to learn and go deeper with God. We are still growing, after all. I hope anyone frustrated finds hope as I have in knowing the God's work goes on in relationships. We can always have hope that He will achieve His goal with us. Especially if we want that!
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