Yesterday was another day of doctor appointments for baby and the big kids. I am lucky to work in a place where I can do such things, if need be, and Summer is much more flexible. Last night I was pretty tired and I worked on Romans for an upcomng series of four Sundays. I find Romans difficult to understand. There are so many different approaches to it. For some people it is the central text of the New Testament. I am not one of those people. I lean more toward the Gospels and the Prophets. Even so, I know Romans is very important and I try to read and study it regularly.
Trying to read commentaries when you are half awake is not easy, and commentaries on Romans is tougher. I tried to nap, unsuccessfully, then my daughter came and talked with me so that was neat. It is a rare treat these days. It is funny, when they are little you wonder if there will ever be a time when you are not focused on them all the time, then suddenly, you wonder if you will ever get to talk to them again.
The night was interrupted twice for feeding/changing. It really is comical. You lay there and think, ten more seconds and I will get up.... My fear is that in my bleary state I will mess up the diaper change. That could have serious repurcussions later. Anyhow, at 4am I was wondering if I could fall back asleep, which I did. And at 5 am our dog started barking. Really? I let her out into the back yard [hmmm, the front yard has no fence. note to self....] and hoped for a few more minutes which never materialized. At six I took the dog for a long walk in the morning cool. During that time I repeated the Jesus prayer and Glorias. Sometimes when the mental machinery is not tip top I try to do repetitive prayers as a way to focus on God. I call it 'prayer for an out of control mind'.
I wonder about prayer. As I have shared before, I do not "feel" close to God, even in prayer, much of the time. I have decided that that is probably pretty normal. I do wonder what God desires in prayer. At times I think I am more focused on my 'prayer life' or 'spiritual life' than I am God. [That may be a back door way to focus on me! The heart of all sin is self centeredness, after all.] So I just try to be open to God, wandering along the lovely paths and parks of Collierville. I say the words and hope my heart is attuned. I figure it is better than lots of other distractions which would otherwise fill my mind.
Romans says a lot about grace, law and faith. Most of the commentaries I am reading challenge some of the assumptions and conclusions of the more popular readings of Romans. As I have done more work in the OT and interacted with Messianic Jews it has opened my eyes to what NT Wright says in his books. One thing I believe is that we need to spend more time loving, obeying and trusting God and less time arguing atonement theory. We are not saved because we are right. We are saved because God is merciful and wants to bring us into His kingdom. To trust what God the Father has done in Jesus, to trust what the Holy Spirit is doing in us, that is the foundation of our life as Christians. The other thing is, what we do matters. We cannot earn salvation, but we must live as his obedient followers. Failing in that, we repent and trust in His mercy. But He seems clear that we are supposed to be different now that we are in Him.
I want to be a Christian. I want to love Jesus. I want to trust the Father. I want Him to say about me, "that is my boy." Sometimes I do not want it passionately, which worries me. Sometimes I am tired and worn out and I fear that I let that become a barrier to truly living as one of His. I know many others are in the same boat. They fall asleep in prayers or bible reading. They cannot seem to make time for God in worship or prayer. The only time God comes to mind is when they have troubles.
I think it is important for us to support one another in the journey. It is important to share the faith issues in our life. Too often we wanna-be Christians are doing it alone. This blog is an effort to reach out. I think we need more connections. What do you think?
I find myself at times wondering if we spend too much time analyzing and arguing, and not enough time just enjoying what we have in Christ. I have to wonder what it would feel like if my husband spent more time studying information about me and what every little thing I said meant, instead of just relaxing and enjoying time with me. I know it is crucial to be in the Word daily. It is crucial to know the Word, because that is how He speaks to us… I do not understand every illustration – There is much I do not know about the customs and traditions of the Old Testament and how they figure into the Word. I went to an awesome Bible study this week where the teacher took us through the meaning of “Baal” and the different usages from Genesis to Revelation… it was amazing and exciting and eye-opening and another incredible reminder of how detailed our God is. It was also a reminder that I will never understand it all – this side of heaven. But what I learned – didn’t change what I already knew – and what continues to be the core of my relationship with God that will never change – it is the part that I come back to daily knowing if it is the only thing I ever understood about Him, it will be enough…. He is God… He created the universe and everything in it from nothing…. He made man in His own image for a relationship…. He knew man in his humanity would fail to be perfect although His perfection would require it…. He sent His Son as to atone for sin... He gave us a narrow way and a small path to lead to Him…. But made it available to every man, woman and child who would ever live…. He offered forgiveness of sin, which would be man’s greatest need…. And commanded in return that we obey the laws that He had carefully given for our good and our protection…. And He told us to be a witness to others of what He has done in our lives…. He gave us all the evidence we would ever need to believe what we need to believe to be saved….. if we would be willing to die to ourselves and accept that He is the one who decides…. Not me – not you… I rest in that daily…. and I have enough in those Truths to be able to praise Him daily…
ReplyDeleteI do think there need to be more connections of encouragement. I read your blog because it is that for me.
ReplyDeleteHebrews 10:24
Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
24 And let us be concerned about one another in order to promote love and good works,
Absolutely. The longer I live, the more I realize I am part of the body of Christ, that that is much more than a nice metaphor, and that parts of bodies can't function on their own. They simply cannot.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what our independence-oriented culture says and does.
Connections are crucial and an important part of being adopted into God's family. In this increasingly secular world it is even more important that we pull together as Christian family and support and encourage one another.
ReplyDeleteI too feel like a wanna-be Christian. For the past couple of years I have struggled with the fact that I do not feel close to God. This has been very frustrating and has left me at times tempted to just give up on my faith. I have more or less settled on the fact that God bestows three gifts to His children: blessings, grace and love. I am very blessed, I have an incredible wife two great sons and a comfortable life. I greatfully receive God's grace (He has not yet destroyed me as I deserve). I don't feel the love of God (even though intellectually I know it is there. But two out of three isn't bad.
ReplyDelete