Bonding with Baby

Our new baby was not planned. Unlike the first two, each of whom I desperately wanted, the last one was not sought after. It wasn't that I did not want more kids as much as I am an age where it is not recommended. The math is not hard to do. Add 18 to your age when the child is born and then say, "He will be graduating from high school when I am X years old." I got lots of  feedback from all sorts of people who told me that I was not old. (None that had children of their own, mind you, at near the age that I am).
After finding out we were pregnant, for weeks I had deep worry and sadness. I came to a sense of peace one morning in our church while at prayer. There is a stained glass window in the church over the altar. [here is a shot of it from our Christmas service
 http://www.pbase.com/julivalley/image/131372266 ] I was praying to God "Who will raise this baby if I am not here?" (My gene pool is populated by shortlived people for the most part) and when I looked up I saw (the window) Jesus holding a baby, with a little boy and little girl standing near Him and reaching toward Him. I have a son and daughter who suddenly "appeared" to me in the window. Jesus, holding the baby, was connected to my own baby in my mind. At that moment in my prayer I "heard" Jesus say, "I will." Not a voice, but an insight, and a source of great comfort. Since that day, though still aware of the actuarial expectations, I have found peace around the situation.

Another other issue, more selfish, is that one makes plans about the future. And folks like me makes lots of plans, detailed plans, about the future! In four years both of my kids were going to be in college and my own future was going to be less demanding as a 'bread winner." Now, suddenly, travel and career plans were in disarray. The life I planned for my sixties and seventies was gone. As I quipped on more than one occassion, "I know what I will be doing the rest of my life.... raising kids!"

As I wrestled with this new reality, along with the belief that Jesus was going to take care of baby, I also reflected upon what I love most in life. It isn't my house or car. It isn't travel. It has always been prayer and study and relationships. I want to connect with God and connect with others. And the people with whom I most want to connect are my wife and kids. My kids have been a central focus of my life and have brought me great joy. So spending the rest of my life raising another may be the best gift I could have.

Would I trade two weeks in Europe for the joy of teaching someone colors and letters? Would more freedom to do what I want be more fulfilling than changing diapers, comforting a baby and spending endless hours watching him grow and develop? The laughter created by a child's existence far outweighs any entertainment purchased from a professional. The cost of raisng a child is great, very great, and it does not always feel worth it. Kids can bring much frustration, sadness, worry and fear into your life. But I also know that I do not regret having kids (98% of the time!).

Now that baby is here, the process has begun. The lost nights of sleep are hard. We are dealing with the limitations on our time. Lots of time spent with dirty diapers and feeding. And something wonderful: the last couple days I can literally feel the bond strengthen. Human relationships need time to grow. I love him more each day.

In days ahead he will grasp my finger as I feed him. He will recognize me (but always prefer his momma!) and want to be with me. In days ahead he will ask me to carry him and hold him. It will be great days. And challenging.

Why write this? I guess in the hopes that people will learn to scour their own lives for God's grace. I hope so that others will be able to say, "the life I have is not the one I would have chosen, but I can choose to live the life I have with faith, hope and love. I can choose to embrace the life I do have and not pine for the one I imagined and expected."

There are times when raising a child literally drains you of life. Perhaps the purpose of life is to die, die to self. Jesus seemed to think so. The problem I have is I usually want to "die to self' in the way I choose. I want to make the sacrifices which I want to make; when, where and how I want to make them. We all probably do that. Bonding with baby is my new life task. It is a grace (it just happens) and a task (it requires focused time and energy). What is true of daddy-ing is true of all else in life. My discipleship in Jesus requires obedience. He is Lord. I am servant. Babies are a great school for learning service. The greatest school, though, is losing my will to His will. That is something that can and should be done whatever one's life situation.

The leading cause of atheism is the refusal to submit. Demanding that life goes the way that I want it, that is the original sin, and the sin which we have been perfecting ever since. Submission. Obedience. In love. That is the calling to which we must respond, the calling which arrives in unexpected ways at unexpected times.
To God be the glory, this day and forever.