To this point we have seen how love of self can draw us to love others, and that in the marriage bond people create community. [Last night at the rehearsal dinner this was so apparent. The parents and the young couple spoke repeatedly about "your family is now my family."] This bonding happens, in part, because of self love, but it develops and blossoms over time into love of the other. As I also said, I think this is a reflection of the inner life of the Trinity. In other words, it is a footprint of God in our midst.
The final stage of marriage is probably the most controversial. When I did my pre-marriage counseling, the priest-therapist who did our work with us told me that I was wrong when I said this. In a sense, he is correct. Most couples will not embrace this fourth stage. It is not, to my limited knowledge, a component of the goods of marriage as outlined by various church teachers over the centuries. So it may be my idiosyncratic opinion, but I still think it is true.
If married love becomes community (both through gathering together outsiders into the love and/or through procreation and a new family), it is still, in a sense, a larger version of self love. Loving my kids is, in some sense, loving myself. Community with those whom we love is still a challenge. Few married people do not have regrets about their choice of spouse on occassion. Few parents would say that raising kids is always easy. So while this God given and God blessed state of affairs is godly, it is not necessarilly Christian. Pagans love their families. Atheists love their families. It is natural.
Christianity adds another dimension. It adds the dimensions of the Gospel: worship, mission, the cross. This is not all there is, but in a brief blog they are enough. In Christian marriage, the couple is a praying couple. In my experience, this is rare. Prayer is more intimate even than sex. Praying together makes us more vulnerable. Yet, a Christian marriage should be prayer centered. It is also joint worship. The eyes of a married couple need to move from the horizontal plane of community to the vertical plane of worship. The married couple, if Christian, must be active in church and particularly in worship. The couple should also be in mission together. Mission is larger than me, or us. Mission defines us in a way that is bigger than our own limited concerns. One leading cause of marriage breakdown is that the couple live separate lives guided by their own 'hearts.' In mission, we jointly follow the heart of Jesus. Now if a couple is prayerful and in mission together then they will be preaching and living the cross. The cross is self gift to God. The cross is self gift for others. The cross is painful. In dying to self (being crucified with Christ) we create the possibility of new life (being raised with Christ). In most marriages, each partner remains firmly self-focused much of the time. On the cross with Jesus, we are emptied of self (as individual and as couple) and spent for the sake of the Father in union with Christ.
When a married couple give themselves, together, for God's Kingdom, then something holy and wonderful happens. This is when a marriage is a Christian marriage, i.e., Christ centered. Like I said, I have encountered few marriages of this type in my years as a priest. But that doesn't negate the possibility. Tonight I will witness and bless another amazing young couple as they begin their married life together. They will sail off into an unknown future. It is my prayer that their marriage will be Christian and missional. It is my prayer that all marriages would be!
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