Today we look at the person's love of self.
I think we come into the world with "self-lust" and the first battle is getting that under control. By self-lust I mean the desires and hungers which dictate most of our decisions. Levi is five months old now. He is becoming social and interactive. It is very easy to deal with him, as long as he is satisfied. How a baby feels dictates how a baby acts. Increasing pleasure and avoiding pain are the motivation.
As we grow up, certain people enter our lives. They are valued to the degree that they bring us pleasure or reduce pain. The process of bonding is reflective of caregiving. Already I have seen that there is greater delight and a brighter smile for momma than there is for daddy. I know why, she is a much better caregiver!
We continue to be drawn to relationships based on how people make us 'feel.' Sometimes it is a physical attraction, sometimes emotional or mental. We are drawn to them (and them to us) for some self serving reasons. Is this bad? Maybe, maybe not, but it is the way it is and there is not much choice to it. I do not know what an unfallen world would look like so I do not know what an alternate to this is. I do know that romantic love is a special and intense type of this self love. We "fall in love" and much of it has to do with "me" and how "you make me feel."
One positive of self love is that it draws us toward others. This is the first step in a true relationship. We value another because of what that other does for us. So we are motivated to do things for that other because it benefits us, but alongside that there comes a growing realization that we are loving that other for who they are. This transition is vital in all relationships, and certainly is needed for a marriage.
The problems, obviously, are multiple. One issue is that we never lose self-lust (fulfillment of hungers) even if we mature into self-love (truly caring for our self). Love means doing the best for ourself (which includes discipline, sacrifice and pain). Self-lust indulges, it plays late and sleeps in. Self love studies, eats healthy and works out. The struggles with 'the flesh' continue unabated throughout our life. A marriage based on self centeredness will last as long as the other person makes us feel good. I heard on the news that a celebrity beauty is ending her marriage after 72 days. Apparently the entire courtship and wedding were a television show. Hmmm, not sure I should judge but I am thinking this sounds like self-love&lust...
I think one reason that so many marriages fail is because so few couples move much beyond self-love (and self-lust). Even when a marriage appears healthy, it is often just a well managed partnership of two people taking from one another. The breaking point comes, sometimes after fifteen, twenty or more years of marriage when one partner decides that the time is short to find 'true happiness' so they withdraw (or divorce) and pursue someone else who will "make me feel good."
The value of self love is it does draw us to others, even if at first it is for our own benefit. However, as one relates to the other, we see new venues open up. Tomorrow we will look at couple-love and the Trinity.
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