To briefly summarize, self love provides a framework to love another, because the other makes one 'feel' good. Perhaps the word romantic love can be used at this point.
A boy sees a girl and thinks, "wow." He talks to her, awkwardly, but his level of interests sparks a complimentary spark in her. She finds his shyness appealing and he seems cute enough. Soon they find themselves drawn to spend more and more time together. Early on, perhaps immediately, one or the other determines that "I am in love!" Anyone who has experienced falling in love knows that it is a wonderful thing. It impacts our vision of the world. It changes our perceptions. It makes us happy.
As the individual 'me' collapses into the romantic 'we' the intensity can get pretty palpable. Some couples adopt a "I can't live without you" program where the lovers isolate and focus exclusively on one another. This melding may reach the point where one totally hands over control to the other. Obsession, sometimes violence, can accompany such singular focus. There are various malicious results which are possible. One reads of stalking, of jealousy, even of murder. In a less ugly form, the couple just become obnoxious in their mutual focus. Constantly gazing into each other's eyes, they become a dyadic version of self love.
But rarely do we see couples who fail to integrate others into their love. This is often times not even a choice. It happens naturally. The couple has a past, littered with family and friends and events and experiences. From time to time we run into those folks. My friends befriend my beloved. Yes, there is a tendency toward community when two become one. Of course, fecundity is also a natural aspect of married love. Love manifested physically can, and does, make babies. (so does lust, but the resulting family system is rarely optimal in those cases) In ideal cases, the couple, who love one another, suddenly find themselves loving this tiny little interloper. Bidden or not, the baby explodes the dyad. The couple turn from facing one another and side by side stare at the newborn. (although love of child can also be merely self love in an expanded form)
There is something of the Trinity reflected in all this. For all eternity the Father loves the Son and the Son loves the Father. It always was and always will be. This love eternally creates the Spirit, the personal bond of Father and Son, the cause and effect. The mystery of Trinity is too sublime to understand. I do not try. But I do see the reality stamped in the world in which we live, most especially in relationships. As the internal Love of God explodes in creative love, a whole universe is "born" and there are children produced, folks like you and me.
As the couple's love grows and envelopes others, friends and family, we see a movement outward. If a couple's love produce children, we see a movement outward. It is possible for the family to become another version of self-love. It is possible for it to be limited in its expansiveness. Yet, there is also another possibility. The same couple whose love draws together diverse people (this is seen most strongly at the wedding, where people populating different corners of the couple's lives are brought together in one room) can choose to act in ways which benefits others. Maybe he introduces his friend to her friend (and romance blooms). Maybe an uncle on her side meets a neighbor on his and they strike up a conversation which leads to some later exchange. Happens all the time.
But in Christian marriage, to my mind, there is another, an intentional component: Shared ministry. More on that tomorrow.
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