Divorce, Marriage and the Hungry Heart

The last two months I have had repeatedly dealt with dying marriages. Literally, the stories sound the same. I am not a marriage counselor. I am not a social researcher. I am not sure if what I see anecdotally is merely a statistical anomally or a reflection of a wider reality. And I am not going to be able to do hours of in depth research to clarify it. Fortunately, I am a blogger, so I can toss my insights out there with that caveat and feel honest.

In the debate on gay marriage, one typical response from Liberals is that heterosexuals have ruined marriage. (With the corollary 'why would you be against anyone who wants to marry?') This statement is true, as far as it goes. The problem  is, as always, while bumper stickers can be terrific simple declarations, they make really lousy arguments. The same problem motivating the gay marriage movement is at work in the 'end of marriage' movement and the pro-divorce movement. It is the two letter word: ME.

Gay marriage is based on the idea that what 'I want' should be determinative of 'how things are.' If I feel strongly about something or deeply desire something, then I think that is how it should be. I don't want to pay a lot, I don't want to wait in lines, I don't want it in that color, and I don't see why I can't have what I want, how I want it, when I want, for the price I want it!!! And one's sexual proclivities certainly are included in that world shaping in which we are all engaged.

Hence, the currernt sorry state of marriage in the majority community, which reflects those same beliefs above, is a direct result. Let's be clear. This is painful stuff. Terribly painful. As a counseling clergyman it is hard to see the tears, hear the broken voice, reflect on the cost and not be saddened. Yet, the reflective self ponders, what in the heck is going on?

One central problem is the mistaken idea that marriage is about connections and personal fulfillment. The belief that my life partner is going to be a soul mate, while nice, is probably as much a projection as the ideal parents were on the old TV shows Leave it to Beaver or Father Knows Best. Sure, there is some basis in reality, but in the end, this impossibly high view of marriage carries too much weight in the contemporary imagination. As such, cynics reject it totally and live together, free of the bonds. Others take it on, only to toss off the relationship at the point where real life (which can be wretchedly boring and challenging) shows real life marriage to be something less than "happily ever after."

We search for our heart's fulfillment little realizing that the deep hunger is for God. Therein lies the dilemma. While we chase around in hopes of finding true fulfillment and love, we miss the point. No realitionship will ever reach the heights of our unfulfilled longing. Our soul mate, one and only, is the Holy Spirit. We were made FOR GOD. The frustrations of life are not taken care of by moving on to a new spouse (or redefining the word). The place of marriage in creation (an institution for the rearing of children and the building block of society) was never meant to be romance. That is a lovely when it happens, but much of romance is self seeking, it is feeling based and it is as much fantasy as it is flesh and blood. True love looks like a cross (says God in the New Testament). It is self gift for the benefit of others. Married love is like Christ (man) and the church (woman). It is God's way of making opposites learn the difficult task of letting go of 'me' and becoming 'us'. It is self emptying (kenosis in Greek, see Philipians "He emptied Himself and became a man")

I am sad for my friends and parishioners whose marriages are sick, dying or dead. I am sadder for a society which has corporately created this mess. I do not think seeking God is the "Answer" because I do not think there is an answer. Obviously, many people seeking God also have marital problems. Most of us aren't that great at seeking God any how. But I do think seeking God is central. It is part of the answer, a major part. I also think rethinking marriage is vital. What is it we are supposed to be doing in marriage? One thing is clear, marriage is not about 'what I want.' Any talk of marriage which leaves out the Cross is useless, and it seems to me all of us tend to do just that. We natter on about love and marriage, little realizing that what we are spinning is fantasy generated by the twisted and distorted misundertanding of our true nature and true purpose. On the brighter side, that is the human condition, fallen and sinful, but God, in Christ, has reconciled the world to Himself and has promised us abundant life (and right relationships) in the Age to Come!