Forgiving Yourself?

I just saw an article about a church forgiving a man who had shot and killed a parishioner. They alluded to the Amish massacre some years ago, where the community forgave. That triggers another story of a woman murdered in Africa whose parents forgave the murderers and now work side by side with them in pursuing the daughter's dream of a better world. The latter two stories, which received extensive media coverage, were very moving to me.

Last night, a man who had killed a mom and daughter and kidnapped the two younger girls was captured. Apparently he shot hmself in the head. He is dead. This story also has received extensive media coverage. My initial reaction was less inspirational. I am glad the two little girls are okay, although one wonders how okay they really are in light of what they have been through and will go through in the days ahead. I was happy for the girls, but also happy that the man is dead. Why? I did not know him. I have no idea what demons and experiences haunted him. I have no knowledge of what factors contributed to his evil acts. Was he an evil man? A sick man? A confused man? Were there factors out of his control which impacted his decisions? I do not know. What I do know is there was a reaction within me and it was not mercy.

Therein lies the crux of the matter. Forgiveness is not a reflex emotion for many of us. We make judgments on partial information. We depersonalize the "evil doer" and pass judgement. Once a young man in Memphis was murdered. It was another story where a good person was gunned down by thugs. It made me mad. A couple of days later they identified several teens. I was glad they cauth them. Then I read the names. One of the boys had been someone with whom I personally worked some years before. I know he was impulsive and mildly retarded. I know he was a product of an abusive childhood which left him wounded and ill-prepared to live a healthy, helpful life. It changed the news story for me, once I saw his name listed in the paper. My "hunger for justice" collided with my broken heart.

God is personally involved with everyone. He knows us by name. He shaped and formed us and breathed life into us. He is intimately connected to us and to our stories. For God there is no easy way to project negative feelings on someone as if they were characters in a story. God is invested in each person. God desires the best for each person. God invites each person into intimate unity with Himself. God offers forgiveness to each person. As I said yesterday, forgiveness is the only thing we have control over. The same is true for God. He cannot make us repent, confess or do penance. He cannot make us reconcile. He can only forgive.

The story of the African men, working side by side with the parent's of a girl they had murdered, was a stark reminder of how the Kingdom of God works: Redemption. Their conversion did not bring the girl back and it did not make the loss and pain the parents felt any less bitter or biting. The parents' hearts were an open wound. But had those men been butchered would it have been better? Obviously not. Revenge is not healing. There was grace in reconciliation that would not be possible in execution.

On the other hand, sometimes knowing someone makes it harder to forget. I guess it is a heightened sense of betrayal. Which brings us to ourselves. How does our inability, or unwillingness, to accept God's forgiveness damaged us? The failure to accept that forgiveness locks us forever in the sin and failure; not a healthy or holy place to be. And as a corollary, there are times when we must look in the mirror and forgive ourselves. Each of us has disappointed ourselves. We all fail. Maybe some of  the denial of faults and failing is a function of that. Hard to be honest with yourself if there is no hope for forgiveness. Hard to forgive others and not project your own garbage on them if you cannot face your own sins and forgive.

Praying to forgive and praying to be forgiven (and praying to accept forgiveness) is fundamental to spirituality. Meditating on the power of forgiveness, looking into all aspects of forgiveness, is the work of a lifetime. In the end, when we finally meet the Lord, the words "Your sins are forgiven" will be a major part of that conversation. It will be our entrance into life forever. It is a substantial work of the Christian minsitry. It is vital to our vocations as disciples of Jesus.