Troubled Heart

Today at Morning Prayer we read John 12:27-36. It begins with a confession by Jesus, "My heart is troubled..." The Greek word tarasso means aggitated, troubled, emotionally distressed, upset. It is a pwerful, raw word and not one we usually associate with Jesus.

Last night at 11:00 pm we got a phone call. It was the emergency weather alert call. Once awake I heard the tornado siren. I ran upstairs and roused the kids. I had images of news reports on tornadoes to fuel my anxiety. For the next hour, huddled in our safe place, we watched the tv as it showed us the location of the threatening storm. Many parts of the city had already lost power. Darkness hid teh damage. Our neighborhood is fine, but others aren't. The experience is unnerving.

I imagine Jesus faced His own inner tornado. He says that the time has come "for judgment" and "the ruler of this world will be driven out." There is so much more going on, in Jesus' mind, than a political execution of a Messianic claimant. So much more.

It is a frightening and troubling situation. The raw human emotions which Jesus felt are appropriate. "No fear" is a wonderful tee shirt motto. It is the type of thing people who have never been to war say as they claim they are warriors. It is the silliness expressed by athletes who compare playing a game to "going to war." In real wars fear is a reality. Wars are horrific. Eighty year old men weep when they talk about their experiences in WWII, that is if they talk about them at all.

Jesus is at war with the ruler of this world. His words. It is literally the 'war to end all wars.' Clearly, Jesus' understanding of the world is more nuanced than "God is in control." Jesus refers three times to "the ruler (archon = leader, prince, commander, chief) of this world" and He is not talking about His Father! Jesus seems to believe there is a demonic power in command, in some sense, as well. It's reign is sin and death (Jesus is healing/salvation and life). I know that Jesus was very upset in His last days. His showdown with the Prince of this world was very distressing. The word 'troubled, aggitated, upset" appears five times in John's Gospel, all in the same section:

11:33 Jesus is aggitated when He sees the mourners at Lazarus' tomb.
12:27 today's verse, His heart is aggitated
13:21 in a bit Jesus will say He is upset again as He shares that one of His intitmate friends will betray Him

Then a shift in chapter 14, Jesus exhorts His disciples not to fear or be troubled (14:1 & 27). It is amazing. I imagine seeing Him this way has unnerved them as well. Like any good leader He reminds His friends that this is on Him, not them. It is the sort of thing which makes you love Jesus more. In facing His own problems, He turns to heal the troubled hearts of His friends.

As we stand poised before the high holy days coming upon us, we do well to remember the terror of Jesus. We need to recognize His humanity and His courage. True courage, to act rightly in spite of fear, not denial. Jesus will meekly (yet with power) submit to the world's ruler and suffer all the torment that that decision entails: physical torture, abandonment and betrayal, mental, emotional and spiritual agaony. He will drink fully of what we have all tasted in the worst times of our lives. Perhaps His courage in facing His passion will inspire us to love Him more and imitate Him better? Perhaps we will be inspired to set these days apart as truly holy and worthy of contemplation? Perhaps we will open our inner being to God and embrace His salvation offered in the person of Jesus?